Drinking Rum at 10 in the morning does NOT make you an alcoholic, it makes you a Pirate!

busier than a new bride's a$$
if you don't want a litter, hit her in the $h!tter
F*ck'em if they can't take a joke
Accuse first, investigate later
Can I help you with something or are you trying to peer a hole through my skull
your head's so big, it cant fit through the door
when you eat a jelly donut, eat the a$$hole first
I would get into a battle of wit with you, but you appear unarmed
sh!t rolls down hill
you cant fix stupid

If you give her an inch she'll think she's a ruler

The best is yet to come

Runs like a Kenyan!

Anytime someone says something leaving a bad mental picture, I say "Pardon me while I poke my minds eye out!".

Someone already posted my sig line!
l
l
v

"Your depth of knowledge in that subject matter is about as vast as a parking lot puddle."

When I meet a girl at a bar....the more you drink...... the better I look...

"Drink more whiskey and stop being a pu$$y"

"You hear me knocking,? let me in"

Oil in the bilge of a familiar boat... "Sweating horsepower"

Anytime there is water in the oil..."That is just condensation:)"

"If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong."

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks."

Studies have proven that 6 out of 7 people enjoy gang rape.

"Having sex at 90 is like shooting pool with a rope"
George Burns

"That went over like a fart in a diver's suit."

"He just sat there and stared, like a dog watchin' TV."

"Doing a good job around here is like peeing on yourself in a dark suit. Sure, it gives you a warm feeling, but nobody notices."

There's no such thing as "idiot proof", as idiots are so ingenious.

I did not read all 22 pages so forgive me if these have already been posted!

"If it has tits, wheels or propellers you are eventually gonna have a problem with it"

For the person that constantly interrupts or jumps ahead & finishes your sentences I retaliate with either;
Who is telling the story you or I
or
Oh ok why don't you go ahead and finish the story when they apologize & pipe down I insist they continue

Normally results in crickets from the interrupter & laughter from others!!

When ordering a drink at a restaurant & asked what I'd like I ask "how much are your sodas?" to which they respond $$$, "how much are your refills?" the normal response is FREE so I just tell them I'll have a refill!

You may also order a soda or diet soda no bubbles please. I normally never look up from my menu.

If it flies, floats or f@*ks it's cheaper to rent.

Words to live by. :)
Eat slower.
Drink faster.
F''k harder.
C|_|m often.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

I live by this and at times it sucks. I wish I could just slap something together.

To each their own

You've analyzed til paralyzed

We call it "Paralysis by Analysis", the ability to talk oneself out of every great idea in fear of "What If?"

a lot of truth is said in jest

Busier than a dog in a cat sh!t eating contest

Would you consider that busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest??

I am off like a wet T-Shirt in Cancun!

I thought it was............. Lets make like a fetus & head out!!

"I'm done takin' sh!t from ole cactus thighs"

"You better start talkin some dollars, 'cause ya ain't makin' no sense!"

Phuck, fight or dance, I'm ready.

I`m outta here like a fetus at an abortion clinic.


If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose


Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.


Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you had had enough oxygen at birth?



I heard you had an idea once, but it died of loneliness.





I would engage you in a battle of wits but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person.




I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story...






If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I'd shoot you, twice.






If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?




Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole!






Let's have a suicide pact. You go first.






Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!





The proctologist called... they found your head.

"Loose lips sink ships"

Always loved that one when a girlfriend is within earshot, or the guys get to telling stories. Sometimes its best just to keep stuff to yourself....

A 2 at 10pm will be a 10 at 2pm.
If you wanna go home with a girl everynight, it's simply....set low standards and fail to meet them!
I got mine, now you get yours!
I can't value your opinion if you're of no value in my world.
Does it LOOK like I'm having fun? (usually in response to my wife's "Having fun" when tools skip across the shop! LOL)
If I don't know it, it ain't worth knowin'
Somebody built this POS, and I don't wanna believe he's smarter than me!
And the saying I use most:
"righty tighty--lefty loosey" LOL!

I would rather owe you than pay you.

It's cheaper to keep her.

The juice aint' worth the sqeeze.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free ?

w
o
w
!!!

Everybody should believe in something; I believe I’ll have another drink :drink:

How about some of that pu$$y, I know you brought it with you.

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.

God, Guns and Guts Made America Free

Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining

Buford t. Justice when finding out a fellow sheriff is black "You sounded a little bit.....taller....on radio".

Bufurd t. Justice on fellow police setting up a failed road block. "you scum bummers couldn't close an umbrella!"

You can't make this s**t up !!!!

It seemed like a good idea at the time