I tend to roll with..."Jack Daniels is like tits...one's not enough and three's too many"

Another favorite..."if it's got tits or tires...sooner or later it's gonna give ya problems"

When some small event gets me cussin' a little I suddenly stop and realize, "If that's the worst thing that happens to me today it's gonna be a pretty good day."

If that doesn't sum it all up I don't know what would!!!!!

When someone gets upset they can't immediately reach me by phone or they want me to drop what I am doing to help them I tell them:
"A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine!"
usually shuts them up.

working the gas dock a boat full of hot girls pulls in and my old timer buddy says " i've seen more cotton in an Asprin bottle" referring to the very nice choice of sun bathing attire.

Or when someone drops ever thing to answer a ringing phone, "I bought that phone for MY convenience, not those who choose to call me!"

Women who behave rarely make history

You didn't have to be Nostradamus to see that one coming

On horsepower vs torque
horsepower is like waking up with big wood, while torque is what makes your feet fly out from under you when you push it down to pizz

If it Fly's, Float's or Fornicate's ; its Cheaper to rent..

Chris